The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse; Reasons Why Relationships Fail.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
The
Four Horsemen represent the counterproductive acts we can easily fall victim to
when our emotions get the better of us. As you read each of the Horsemen and
consider its relevance in your relationships, remember that conflict itself is
not a problem. Conflict is actually a normal and (ideally) productive part of
two people with different needs and interests working together. The amount of
conflict between two people has no bearing on the success of the relationship.
It’s how conflict is handled that determines
a relationship’s success, and the Four Horsemen’s presence means conflict is
not being dealt with constructively or productively. Follow the strategies
provided for overcoming each of the Four Horseman, and your relationships are
bound to be successful.
The 1st Horseman: CRITICISM
Criticism
is not to be confused with delivering
feedback or otherwise seeking improvement or change in another person.
Criticism becomes, well, criticism when it isn’t constructive (“This report is
terrible.”). Criticism, in its most troubling form, focuses on the individual’s
personality, character, or interests rather than the specific action or
behavior you’d like to see changed (“You are terrible at writing. You’re so
disorganized and tangential.”). It’s one thing to criticize without being
constructive; it’s another to go after someone for something they are unable to
change.
Overcoming CRITICISM
If
you often find yourself criticizing when you planned on being constructive,
it’s best if you don’t deliver your feedback and commentary until you’ve
planned ahead. You’ll need to think through what you’re going to say and stick
to your script in order to remain constructive and avoid criticism. It’s also
best if you focus your feedback on a single specific behavior, as your
reactions to multiple behaviors at once can easily be perceived as criticism.
If you find that you cannot deliver feedback without generalizing to the other
person’s personality, you’re better off saying nothing at all.
The 2nd Horseman: CONTEMPT
Contempt
is any open sign of disrespect toward another. Contempt often involves comments
that aim to take the other person down a notch, as well as direct insults.
Contempt is also seen in indirect and veiled forms, such as rolling of the eyes
and couching insults within “humor.”
Overcoming CONTEMPT
Contempt
stems from a lack of interest in the other person. When you find that you don’t
enjoy or admire someone—perhaps there are things about him or her that used to
be interesting or charming and now they’ve lost their luster—contempt can
surface unexpectedly. If your disinterest is unavoidable and the relationship
is one that isn’t going anywhere, such as a family member or coworker, then you
need to focus on taking small steps forward. People who manage relationships
well are able to see the benefit of connecting with many different people, even
those they are not fond of. Common ground, no matter how small, is a commodity
to be sought and cherished. In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, “I do not
like that man. I must get to know him better.”
The 3rd Horseman: DEFENSIVENESS
Denying
responsibility, making excuses, meeting one complaint with another, and other
forms of defensiveness are problematic, because they prevent a conflict from
reaching any sort of resolution. Defensiveness only serves to accelerate the
anxiety and tension experienced by both parties, and this makes it difficult to
focus on the larger issues at hand that need to be resolved.
Overcoming DEFENSIVENESS
To
overcome defensiveness, you have to be willing to listen carefully to the other
party’s complaint, even if you don’t see things the same way. This doesn’t mean
you have to agree with them. Instead, you focus on fully understanding the
other person’s perspective so that you can work together towards resolving the
conflict. It’s critical that you work to remain calm. Once you understand why
the other person is upset, it’s much easier to find common ground than if you
dismiss their opinions defensively.
The 4th Horseman: STONEWALLING
Stonewalling
is what happens when one person shuts the discussion down by refusing to respond.
Examples of stonewalling include the silent treatment, being emotionally
distant or devoid of emotion, and ignoring the other person completely.
Stonewalling is problematic, because it aggravates the person being stonewalled
and it prevents the two from working on resolving the conflict together.
Overcoming STONEWALLING
The
key to overcoming stonewalling is to participate in the discussion. If you’re
stonewalling because the circumstances are leaving you feeling overwhelmed, let
the other person know how you’re feeling and ask for some time to think before
continuing the discussion. Maintain eye contact and a forward posture and nod
your head to let the other person know that you are engaged in the discussion
and listening even when you don’t have something to say. If you stonewall as a
matter of practice, you need to realize that participating in discussions and
working together to resolve conflict are the only ways to keep your
relationships from crumbling.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.
Dr.
Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and
the cofounder ofTalentSmart, the world's leading provider ofemotional intelligence tests, emotional intelligence training, and emotional intelligence certification, serving
more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been
translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr.
Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek,
BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street
Journal, The Washington Post, and The
Harvard Business Review.
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